Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
