Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize