beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
