My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize