There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
