i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize