just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize