just tell him i said nine months
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Randomize
