I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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