Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
