she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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