when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
