i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
