You work out of a Hotel?
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
