Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
