sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
