And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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