I'd wear matching sweaters with you
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
