So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
