i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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