so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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