Heybabeimwearingurpanties
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
