Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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