Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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