i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
