I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
what day is it and did you see me today?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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