she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
