...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I'm passing your future prison.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
