he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Randomize
