And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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