I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize