just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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