her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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