eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
foreskin is a definite game changer
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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