Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
