Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
