You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
