I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
