she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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