Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize