I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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