fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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