Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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