when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
