If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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