why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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