Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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