if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
