just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
