we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
