he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
