cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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