Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
