I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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