Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Randomize
